“Back when I was in middle school I was really close to my cousin. Frankly, I didn’t have any friends and no close bonds with family. My brother who I used to look up to virtually disowned the family, so I felt lonely and forgotten. One day around 7th grade at a family get-together, my cousin pulled me aside and took  me to his car, and started asking me awkward questions. The questions started just weird but soft at first, like “do you say curse words yet?” But then they moved to have you done sexual things with anyone, and am I growing hair on my …. After all that, he offered to be like a role model to me and to start trying to be close “friends.” Honestly, looking back, I’m still happy he said that and I’m happy I was able to have a relationship or bond. It made me feel like I belonged and less lonely. We hung out almost everyday after that. But then subtly over time, he started grooming me without me realizing. It started out with him rubbing my thighs when they were sore. Some days he would spoon me and rub my genitals and tell me that it was a normal family thing where he was born. I always believed him as often as it happened, which was every other day. We even slept together constantly because my mom was okay with it. Until right now I’m only wondering what else he might’ve done to me any other night while “we” slept considering what happened later on. I kept telling myself I didn’t mind it either because he was my cousin and I was happy regardless.  

I was around 14 years old at this point, and one night, we were watching a scary movie and I went to bed relatively early. I woke around 2 am to my pants being down, feeling his ‘thing’ on my butt, and his hand was stroking my genitals. I knew that instant that something was wrong, despite my previous ignorance. I sprang up, my body felt weird and I hadn’t understood what happened. I never had a sexual experience before so all I could do was ask questions. I yelled to him something like “what the hell are you doing?  What the hell is going on, why are you touching me?” I wish I had asked him why instead of what, but he promptly sprang up as well and said “what the fuck Sammy, I just woke up, you were touching me and you’re the one who made me touch you! I don’t know what’s going on bro, doing weird shit in your sleep…” We stood in silence for what felt like a couple minutes, then he walked around to the other side of the bed and faked a call from his friend, making up this elaborate story inclining him to pick his friend up over an hour away at 3 am…. He left immediately and never came back. 

I kept telling people in school but nobody believed me, some opting to get mad or disgusted with me because they thought I was making insensitive jokes. I told my sister and my cousins sister one day out of the blue. They both got angry with me and thought I was making stuff up. I was so hurt… and I was so angry and alone again. I started hating myself more and more everyday. I tried talking to my cousin about it, but he was still angry with me because I “broke our bond and his trust, and it’ll never be the same.” I told my parents years later. My mom seemed angry at first cause it split our family, but I’m sure she wasn’t mad with me. For what it’s worth, I still blamed myself to this day for everything. The experience caused me to go into a spiral of identity crisis and depression along with frequent anxiety attacks. I had a panic attack and blacked out when I thought I could smell him once. I still wish I can fix things with him sometimes. My family seems to have moved on and they still see him. My dad, however, is the one I look up to right now. He gets so protective about it. It makes me realize that somebody does care. But I no longer care about myself. Still, I wish my cousin the best, and I hope he’s doing well.”